High Speed Ballard Car Chase

So I change lanes right.
And the mother fucker 50 yards behind me wanted to go faster than me so he veers around on my right, flips me the bird and... were off!

This is pre-Ballard Bridge headed north on 15th
This is also pre-Tractor Tavern gig

So i think me and douche bag are all cool because although I honked at his peacock, i didnt flash him or tailgate him or anything all from Queen Anne up until we were on the Ballard Bridge. Thats when shit got REAL!

I turn on my right turn signal 100 feet prior to my intended turning spot in order to overcompensate for my peoples' stereotypically bad driving behavior. That whole 100ft was actually bull shit used to make the funny Asian joke. I actually turned the signal on like 5 seconds ahead of the Leary exit. Curiously enough, when I so, Buddy Guy Douchy Mofo quicky did the same and cut me off on the offramp. Then he takes up both lanes and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... SLAMS ON HIS DAMN BRAKES! So Im only going about 15mph on this ramp, but either thats not slow enough or im not fast enough on the brakes and booty tap this mother fucker with my trusty ole' '86 626. Im pissed and pretty damn confused about this guy being so mad he had to make me rear end him.

*note: this is the point where rationality has left the building. shit you not, i no longer had control over my shit

So the dude pulls off to the right and I honestly figure, he did his deed and since his car was a POS also, I kept on my way, took a left on leary, and started heading towards Ballard Ave. when I see the guys lights fast approaching (reference aforementioned note). I immediately go into flight mode and start running away from this guy. First im going North on Ballard, then I take a quick left on 21st, a right on Shoshol (or however the hell that damned street is spelled), and back up 22nd, left on Ballard, back down toward Shitshow (damnit) and am stopped in my tracks by a car that doesnt know how to turn right when i want it to because im being chased by a damn lunatic!

So the bird flippin douche dippin crazy trippin dude cuts me off before i can turn right onto Shamebow, flips me the cockatoo again and yells at me reminding me that i rear ended him. So i start playing Sherrades (Charrades? Cher? Chaka Khan?) and do that circular arm motion that might signal to your bff of all bffs that you want his window to be rolled down. Motherfucker aint good at petting Sharpees.

So we pull over pretty much a block away from the Tractor's ass to "talk shit over." Now take note, I'm a pussy. I don't ever wanna get in a fight really. I don't like threatening shit, I dont like war, I don't like the Saw movies, or clips of Sarah Pailin talking about Cowboys and Indians in front of a turkey slaughter. That being said, I turn my car off and walk up to the guys car making sure i have my hands in the air in what I'm guessing one would do to let a crazy piece of chest grade shit know that youre not looking for no trouble. So the guy again reminds me that i rear ended him, and i remind him that that argument might fly in 1st grade, but in the real world, he intentionally put both of us in danger by the shit he was doing with his car.

And so i say, so i says to him, I says, "What do you want from me [expletive] you [expletive] [expletive-ing] flamingo! I gotta get somewhere (knitting class with the girls). What do you want from me?!" He looks at me, looks down at his steering wheel, looks at me again, and without ever stepping otu of his car or even turning the darn thing off says, "Go get where you gotta get."
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And that was it. From there i got lost around Ballard and looped around the same blocks that i was just 5 minutes ago racing down for my life, and finally ended up at the Tractor's pearly gates for load in. Pete hugged and consoled me, and then we pranced around stage for ya'lls pleasure, while honest to god, singing leave me alone, a lone tear trickled down my jaundiced cheek whilst i thoguht in my head "why would he (whimper) just (whimper) leave me alone..."

True. God Damned. Story.


Safely and Soundly Blogging at 4 am,
Nascar Champ Jason